American League
West
Los Angeles Angels - (of Anaheim, but formerly California and soon to be Los Alamedos, then eventually Hollywood.) Ugh. Eff off Angels.
Texas Rangers*- Reason for the alienation of Texas great Nolan Ryan? His replacement:
“I said, trade him. P’chew, P’chew!”
Oakland Athletics- Sorry A’s fans, but your owners will find some way to put it in your butt.
Seattle Mariners- I believe. I believe this Mariners team will be fun to watch. That’s about it, but I will ABSOLUTELY take that.
Houston Astros- Thanks for the wins Houston! Sincerely, the AL West.
Central
Detroit Tigers- The Tigers will ride their highly paid, elite, once in a generation arm all the way to a division title: Doug Fister.
Cleveland Indians- We at NWK are always sympathetic towards the city of Cleveland, it’s the least we can do for them.
Kansas City Royals- Talented hitters, talented pitchers… but same old Royals. Enjoy that first half.
Chicago White Sox- Paul Konerko is 72 years old and is still the last person the Mariners like to face every year.
Konerko in the clubhouse during 2012 season.
Minnesota Twins- Oh gahsh Minnesoohhtah! Going to be a long year for ya.
East
Tampa Bay Rays- The Rays with a last minute run to win division over an All-Star team? Never seen that before.
Toronto Blue Jays*- We will NOT allow for Brandon Morrow win a division before the Mariners do!
Boston Red Sox- Never bet against a scrapper Sox team. Don’t bet FOR them either… but don’t bet against them.
Baltimore Orioles- We will NOT allow Adam Jones to win a division before the Mariners do! … What? He- really?? …Shit.
New York Yankees- Cue the Tony Toni Tone… “It feels goooood. Yeaaah…”
The Yankees with a new cleanup hitter going into the season…
National League
West
Los Angelos Dodgers- Like the Angels, would love for them to fall on their face… but hard to trump the hardware on this roster.
San Fransisco Giants- With Lincecum’s locks and Wilson’s beard, goes the Giants’ playoff hopes. Just make sure Kung Fu Panda doesn’t shave his Johnson Boys or you’ll be in real trouble.
“I did NOT know it would be this itchy!”
Arizona Diamondbacks- Yes, us Mariners fans are still bitter that they won the World Series in 2001, with Randy Johnson.
San Diego Padres- Like Frodo and Gollum, Mariners fans have to believe there is hope for the Padres. We just have to.
Colorado Rockies- So sorry Troy and CarGo. Well, since it’s legal, might as well just get a good rocky mountain high gentlmen.
Central
St. Louis Cardinals- The Cardinals just win divisions. It’s a skill.
“I have a lot of Galactic Credits on this. I can make you disappear.”
Cincinnati Reds*- The Big Red La Machina. Division?? We don’t need no stinkin’ division!!
Milwaukee Brewers- The window may be closed, but at least the Brew Crew still live in Milwa- uh… oh man. Sorry.
Pittsburgh Pirates- I love me some McCutchen, but this band of overachievers just won’t be the same without their stud Erik Bedard. (Snickers).
Chicago Cubs- For a moment, thought about making them a mild surprise pick. Only mild. And only for a moment.
East
Washington Nationals- This team is good. Gabby Hayes good. (Yes, we will keep using that joke until someone gets it.)
“That there Nationals team is gon’ be darn good gad tarnit!”
Atlanta Braves*- Taking bets on the homerun/strikeout lines for this team ladies and gentlemen.
Philadelphia Phillies- The NL Yankees. Old, injured and overrated. Only the Yankees dont have Doc and Lee. Yeah those two are still pretty damn good.
New York Mets- “Fuck.” -David Wright.
Miami Marlins- “Joder.” -Giancarlo Stanton.
Awards
AL ROY- Brandon Maurer (Mariners). Look, I picked Jesus Montero last year, I need redemption. Don’t blow this!
NL ROY- Travis D’Arnaud (Mets). Big market, and a lot of opportunity to be difference maker on a shit team.
AL MOY- Joe Madden (Rays). Boring, but if they win the division… c’mon.
“I’m 59, look like Tim Gunn, can wear whatever I want and color my hair however I want. Why? Because I’m better than you in every way.”
NL MOY- Mike Matheny- Beating out a better Reds team for the division should do the trick.
AL CY- Justin Verlander- Felix will get a lot more help this year, but not enough in the wins column.
NL CY- Matt Cain. Let’s just say, Cain is… Abel! Ha… Ha… (BOOOOO!!!!)
AL MVP- Evan Longoria. Finally a season line that properly depicts his ability. Besides, the Rays will need it to back up my predictions.
NL MVP- Joey Votto. Not the sexiest pick, but the man is consistant. Besides, Bryce Harpor will NOT win it, people.
Playoffs
League Championship
Tampa Bay Rays over Los Angeles Angels
Cincinnati Reds over Washington Nationals
World Series
Cincinnati Reds over Tampa Bay Rays
Enjoy the season compadres!
Northwest Kingdome
